My 25 years experience in the adult industry: if you have a fetish, kinky BDSM or S/M fantasy in your makeup it will never go away. You will try to stop it and go mainstream. It might work for awhile (like 5 minutes) but your kink has a big claw in and through you till you die. It will never let you go. You're prisoner to the Kink's Claw. Keep trying to change and make yourself feel like the rest of the world. Your fantasy of the the mainstream world is just THAT, it's a fantasy. This I know: your crazy kink rules.
HA HA HA