zoezane (zoezane) wrote,
zoezane
zoezane

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My Ugly

I read my newspaper horoscope, it said for me to NOT erase the ugly from my life.  Yeah, Ma and Pa thought I was invisible in boy's shoes (I was a tomboy growing up).  Pa shaved off all my long girl hair in the backyard for sexual practical reasons.  He wanted me, his first daughter make more like a boy.  I was never hugged by Ma and Pa.  Self-critism plagued my soul till my first born child (born with a brain that did not grow).  It plagued me for another 20 years till I did a trantic retreat with the old boyfriend that was sexual narcissistic.  The first husband withheld his love and sex till I divorced him and the Mormon church.  I was on welfare with 6 kids almost in a wheel chair from a running injury.  I escaped to Las Vegas for wild sex and a job in the sex industry.  Finally, I made it back to California after the bad boyfriend did not get paid for Hard Rock Casino wood floors @ $30,000.  It took 7 years to see some of the money from court.  When I finally hit the mother-load as a sex worker, I was a human ATM machine which made the bad boyfriend look good to his Utah family.  It made his ex-wife hate us more and more.  And today, I find myself with 3 furry happy male cats that love me much-ly.  I have learned to keep a big smile on my face no matter what life dishes out.  I have learned to count my blessings in the throves of shit.  Bikram yoga tests your strength, I smile in the hot room 105 or more degrees.  Most of all I'm gaining respect for my inner strength.  And in tiny little steps, I'm kind along the way. Most of all I need to be kind to myself.  My new rule for new business:  I will not beat myself up over smart decisions. 
Tags: zoe zane life
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