zoezane (zoezane) wrote,

  • Mood:

The Devil Dad - who was an abused child, forced to work in coal mines at age eight

Nine of Swords
The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can't do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering -- no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.

It is final, I can tell what happened to me as a infant.  I was born in Northern, California.  I am the first child of five.  My Dad was abused all his life by his moonshine, pioneer Maw.  She was the oldest of 12 children, Mother Hardcore in and out (that's not a burger you want to eat.)  When Dad came back from WWII, he was sick in mind and body.  Men go to save their country and the GOV does not care what happens to them.  I call it "Human War Slaughter" and vets know of his torment.  Dad's Army Air Force company was not meant to return but die. Somehow Dad made it home to America. In 1946, Dad was out of his mind.  Before he died at age 91, he told me he knew he was war sick in the head.

I've been seeing a trauma therapists this year.  I had hunches but what can you remember when you're an infant.  Can you?  My juicy side-track story:  in San Jose, California, I had 3 mature girlfriends who were night ladies.  All of them were sexually molested.  I thought I was not one of them.  I kept having the same recurring thoughts over and over again. Two days ago, I couraged-up to face the horror beast inside.  During the body code session, I was right about my thoughts.  Sexual molested as an infant.  Those trauma emotions were stored in my heart.  I created a glass heart wall of 50 feet to protect myself.  Infants know what to do.  Here are the emotions I released from my heart:  vulnerability, shock, shame, lost, lack of control, abandonment, worthless, insecurity, no value (pride), will to die, NO will to live, insecurity, failure, heartache, low self esteem etc.

Two weeks after by birth, Dad sexually molested me on the bedroom bed. My shocked Mother caught him, sent her back to the hospital.  Both my parents were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - Mormons.  As many of you know the Church or Churches cover up sex molesting and child abuse.

My story is not made up to get attention.  I tell you because I have suffered in silence for many years.
I am not going to do this alone anymore.
My secret is out.  I have searched on the Net about infant sexual abuse.  Most of it is documented by therapists not by a person like myself.

Zoe Zane Mature MILF Porn Star

Tags: zoe zane mature porn star


    I'm keeping a gratitude journal for the next 6 month. Gratitude makes Telomers continue to grow and stops the aging of our chromosomes. I just…

  • A grateful mind

    Dear Zoe, "It is impossible to be both grateful and depressed. Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess. And even…

  • Practice

    Dear Zoe, "I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness - it's right in front of me if I'm paying attention…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.